Assertiveness Skills
Do you have a sneaking suspicion that
you’re not assertive enough? There may be
some truth to your fear. If so, we’ll get to
the bottom of it and help you develop
assertiveness skills. Answer “agree” or
“disagree” to these 6 statements to find out
if you’re not assertive enough and if
becoming more assertive could help you
advance your career.
#1: I have a hard time disagreeing
with people whose views I think are wrong.
#2: It is difficult for me to
say no and I often end up taking on tasks
that I don’t want.
#3: Because I am nervous about
appearing aggressive I may be too passive in
my interactions.
#4: Delegating is not my strong
suit, and I frequently do more than my share
of the work.
#5: It is tough for me to speak
up and share my opinions, especially if they
are somewhat controversial.
#6: I know I need to promote
myself more at work but I dislike marketing
myself.
If you answered “agree” to three or more
of these questions or if any of these topics
hold you back from career success you are
probably not assertive enough. Let’s examine
these items and discuss specific steps you
can take to improve each of them.
#1 addresses disagreeing with others.
To disagree with someone you risk appearing
rude, argumentative, or unlikable. This is
why it is easier to be passive and keep
quiet. The problem is that you will not get
your ideas heard or acted upon, which can
limit your effectiveness and status in your
organization.
Have you ever experienced that horrible
feeling when you don’t say what’s on your
mind and someone else does, and then they
get accolades for the idea? Don’t allow this
to happen. Practice disagreeing with in less
high-stakes conversations. When you
disagree, do so with poise and objectivity.
Simply state your view and the facts
supporting it. Once you gain confidence in
your ability to communicate disagreement,
take some more risks in challenging
situations.
#2 addresses saying no.
A classic sign of a lack of assertiveness is
the inability to say no. When you are unable
to say no, you lose credibility. You
communicate that your time is not valuable
and therefore that your contributions are
less valuable. When on the other hand you
show that you know what you do best and what
your limitations are, you exude confidence.
This doesn’t mean that you should say no to
everything except those few things you
really want to do. It means that you should
prioritize and gain practice stating why you
are not the person for select jobs.
When you say no, don’t apologize or
over-explain why you are saying no. Take
responsibility by using “I’ statements to
show where your strengths are best suited.
State your reasons clearly and assertively
make your request.
#3 addresses the fear of being seen as
aggressive.
In my research I’ve found that many people
who lack assertiveness are afraid of being
seen as aggressive or arrogant. They
overcompensate and end up on the passive end
of the spectrum. We want you to be
assertive, which is in the middle and is
very different from being aggressive.
Remember that the majority of the impact
of communication is how you say it not what
you say. If you project a calm and friendly
demeanor it is unlikely that you will be
seen as aggressive. Remember also that
people interpret you in relation to the
image they already have of you. If you are
typically friendly and thoughtful people
will interpret your behaviors in line with
this view.
You can assertively make requests and
deliver negative feedback, without being
aggressive. When you’re aggressive you
disrespect others’ communication by
interrupting, demeaning, or criticizing
them. When you are assertive you give your
opinion and make your request in a way that
everyone benefits.
#4 addresses delegating or asking
people to do things for you.
When you aren’t assertive enough you’re
preoccupied by worrying whether you’re
inconveniencing or upsetting others. As a
result you do the majority of the work. When
you gain experience with delegating you see
that people feel good to know that you have
faith in their abilities to complete the
work.
Another cause of ineffective delegating
is thinking that you can do the work better
yourself. The assertive action is to train
others and give them feedback about how
you’d like the work to be completed. Know
that doing this may initially be more work
for you, but it will pay off in the near
future.
#5 addresses expressing your opinions.
When people lack assertiveness, it is
difficult for them to share their ideas,
especially if they differ from the majority
or from an influential person’s opinion. The
key to getting yourself to share your ideas
is to be clear on what they are and how
others could benefit from them.
The best way to work on this
assertiveness skills is to share your
opinions in increasingly difficult
situations. You may begin by expressing your
semi-controversial views in a conversation
with a friend. Then you express your
opinions to your direct reports at work.
Then you state a potentially unpopular
viewpoint with your boss. And finally you
express an outside of the box idea in a
board meeting in front of your VP.
#6 addresses the fear of self
promotion.
It is difficult for most people to self
promote and if you lack assertiveness, it is
especially difficult. In order to advance in
business people must know who you are and
what you’re capable of, and you can’t always
rely on others to share this information. It
is therefore, critical to gain the
assertiveness skill of self promotion.
The first step in self marketing is
visibility. Begin by going out of your way
to meet various people in your workplace.
The next step is to share your ideas to show
people what you have to contribute. The
final and most important step is to share
the results that you have accomplished. When
people self promote with vague generalities
they are seen as braggarts, but when you
point to specific information, you are
simply sharing helpful data. The fact that
it benefits you makes it a win-win.
As you start to address these six
situations and use the tips, you will find
that you are outside of your comfort zone.
This is a good thing. The key is to take
consistent action. Soon you will see not
only your assertiveness improve but your
reputation and results improve as well.
Larina Kase, PsyD, MBA is a
business psychologist and coauthor of The
New York Times bestselling book The
Confident Speaker. She helps business
managers communicate and lead others with
confidence and charisma. Learn more about
her work at
www.TheConfidentSpeaker.com.
KEYWORDS
assertiveness skills, assertiveness
skill, assertive, assertiveness, delegating,
self promote, self promotion, self
marketing, high-stakes conversations,
negative feedback
Return to the Directory of Communications
Articles
